Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Praying

It's been a turbulent month!  I have a whole new respect for women; we must have some super powers.  No matter what obstacle many of are faced with, we deal.  Me, not so much anymore.  Our little Pip has sent me on an emotional roller coaster ride for which I do not see an end in sight. 

I'm tired, really tired, all of the time.  And, I'm cranky.  Horribly cranky.  I love my husband dearly, but right now everything he does annoys me.  Which, in turn, makes him feel like he cannot do anything right.  I don't feel like I know who I am anymore.

Recently, a hiccup in Woody's past has made me completely lose my grip on reality.  I'm always the one saying, "be the bigger person", "don't fight back", "pray for them". . .  Lately, I'm praying like Jaron and the Long Road to Love's song:

"I haven't been to church since I don't remember when
Things were going great 'til they fell apart again
So I listened to the preacher as he told me what to do
He said you cant go hating others who have done wrong to you.
Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn.
Let the good Lord do His job and you just pray for them.

I pray your brakes go out running down a hill
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the
head like I'd like to
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flying high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are honey, I pray for you

I'm really glad I found my way to church
'Cause I'm already feeling better and I thank God for his words.
Yeah I'm going take the high road,
And do what the preacher told me to do,
You keep messing up and I'll keep praying for you.

I pray your tire blows out at 110.
I pray you pass out drunk with your best friend and wake up with
his and her tattoos.

I pray your brakes go out running down a hill.
I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the
head like I'd like to.
I pray your birthday comes and nobody calls
I pray you're flying high when your engine stalls
I pray all your dreams never come true
Just know wherever you are, near or far, in your house or in your
car,
wherever you are honey, I pray for you.
I pray for you"


It gives me an odd peace and comfort.  Well, if you'll excuse me, I need to go say a real prayer now!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

The Doubtful, Guilt-Ridden Mother

This story begins with the decision a married couple made two months ago following the early miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy:  "We are going to be careful so that until we have healthcare, we don't have another pregnancy."

Last Friday, the fun little blue and white stick that women urinate on when their "monthly visitor" seems to have gotten delayed between stops popped up with a great big positive.  WHAT?!  Let me just say, for those of you who do not believe in aliens, I feel like I've been invaded.  My emotions are all over the map, my energy is gone (which ironically makes the increased number of visits to the bathroom a serious chore), and since I am such a planner and this wasn't planned, I'm having serious anxiety.

Tomorrow our supplemental insurance from my work starts.  However, there is a 10 month waiting period for pregnancy coverage AND you can't be pregnant for the 2 months preceding the start of the plan.  So, the coverage I would have had for post-partum that would have paid our mortgage, utilities, and insurance - not gonna happen.  Additionally, there will be no reimbursement for any of the hospital bills associated with the delivery.  We rely on my income to pay those things listed.  How do we pay the doctor, the hospital, and save for maternity leave?  You receive a huge, and I mean HUGE discount if you pay at the time of service, but if we do that we won't have any money to live on after the baby arrives.  Plus, what about all of the cost associated with a baby?

My faith has been completely shaken.  I don't understand why God wants to bless us with a baby when a friend of mine wants one so badly, and has the means to provide for one, yet struggles to conceive.  I feel so guilty.  I should be grateful for this amazing opportunity, but me and my hyper-type-A personality are obsessing over details that may be completely inconsequential.  For instance, I was thinking last night "the washer and dryer are over 10 years old, what if they stop working and I can't wash the baby's things?" or "sometimes Woody and I survive on noodles to get through the end of a week before payday, what if we need diapers?". 

Does anyone else feel so completely selfish, or am I just a horrible person?  Woody is thrilled!  He loves the idea of "our baby" and thinks I'll be a great Mom.  I think a great Mom wouldn't have so many doubts and wouldn't have taken an arrow to her faith. . .

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Step-Mom on a Mine Field

Where has this year gone?!  I cannot believe that Christmas is three months (90 days; 2161 hours; ah, you get the picture) away?!  This year is going to be very special for me since it will be my first Christmas with Woody, and my first Christmas to buy gifts for my stepson, let's use my Mom's nickname for him, Speez.  However, this also leads to many questions I have never had to consider before. . .

Speez is a fascinating young man.  He will be fully preteen next week!  He's creative, analytical, polite, sweet, and just generally kind.  His parents are on opposite ends of the spectrum on almost everything, it seems.  In turn, that makes Speez' mother and I on opposite ends of the spectrum since Woody and I are so in-sync when it comes to everything:  religion, politics, family values.  Yet, through all the differences, Speez has a true goodness about him.  I think we have a lot in common.  My parents divorced when I was younger than he was and they are also complete opposites. 

What is my role in Speez' life?  I believe my primary role is to love and support his father and work to encourage his relationship with his son.  I also believe that my job is to love and support Speez.  He has a Mom, he doesn't need another one.  However, you can never have too many people who love you and want what's best for you. 

How do I get along with someone whom I would never choose as a friend?  I believe my role is to help Woody through the difficult times when he and Speez' mom (let's call her "The Mom") do not see eye-to-eye.  One thing I can never say about my own Mom is that she spoke ill of my biological father in my presence or within earshot of me.  She must have carried an immense burden in holding back, but she did that for me - not for him.  I will also do that for Speez.  Any discord between Woody and "The Mom" should not envelope Speez.  There is not one thing I have in common with "The Mom" EXCEPT Speez - and he takes priority now.  For the rest of my life, our lives are intersected.  My personal preferences about character, politics, and core values do not matter.  It hurts me to the core to hear that she's made comments to Speez that my marriage will fail, but that cannot be my concern.  I will never negate or diminish her vital role in Speez' life. 

How do we make Speez a priority, yet not allow "The Mom" to dictate our schedule?  Woody and I agree that our priority list goes in a specific order:  God, spouse, children, family, friends.  If we don't live our lives according to this order, things become chaotic.  On the flip side, since Speez lives 2 1/2 hours away from us, how do we set a consistent schedule when "The Mom" is unwilling to work with us?  That is a mine field I haven't quite figured out how to traverse just yet.  The only solution I have come up with time and time again, "Let go, let God!".  I pray about it, and after last night, I pray a lot more frequently that God will help me hold my tongue. 

Ten years from now, I hope to be writing about the time when "The Mom" and I didn't agree but came to a mutual decision to put aside our personal preferences to better Speez' life.  In the meantime, I think I will try to save as much money as I can between now and December and buy Speez a better gift than "The Mom". . .  (just kidding!)

Monday, September 10, 2012

2012 NFL

Are you ready for some football?!  Normally, my answer would be a very hearty "YES!" but this year is completely different for me.

As a Kansas City resident, you would think I would proudly wear Chiefs Red - uh, no.  This citified-country girl is a through and through Cheesehead; GO GREEN BAY!!!  Woody is a fanatical Steelers fan.  My house will be in turmoil for the next 4 months!  Let me explain. . .

Yesterday morning, on our way to church, Woody proclaims "The Steelers don't play until 7:20 tonight, so we don't have to rush home after church."  This sounds odd to me, why?  Sundays following church we always go out to lunch.  Following lunch, we had some errands to run (Woody got to pick his own soap fragrance from Bath & Body Works), and it was such a beautiful day I thought we could walk around the outdoor shopping area of the northland, Zona Rosa.  Within 10 minutes of walking, my darling Woody asks why we are walking away from the car on a "football day"?  Good grief!!  Back to the car we went, double time.  Once at home, Woody took up residence in his chair to start the rest of his day.  The funny part, the recliner he sits in his sage green; do you think he realized he was rooting for the Steelers in a green chair?! 

Once the game finally started, Woody was in a great mood - laughing, joking, making small talk - until the 4th quarter.  The pivotal play when the Steelers, who were in the lead, attempted a 2-pt conversion and failed (this would end up being their final scoring drive) and the Denver Broncos charged back down the field to score, and thanks to an interception thrown by "Big Ben" (my own nickname for the Steelers' quarterback), they quickly scored twice.  I had to turn around because I literally heard Woody's happy mood bubble leaking air at an accelerated rate, especially after my involuntary giggles escaped while watching the interception!  His mood didn't recover.

So, now I realize that I may actually have to root for black and gold on game days in order to promote a peaceful, happy environment regardless of the final score. 

Thursday, August 30, 2012

A Complete Change

It's been a very trying week.  I'm looking forward to the weekend as we will be seeing our families, our horses, and just having some time to relax and unwind.  It's also the first time that Charley will get to meet her new Mommy!!  In fact, if you check out Simone's blog over the coming weeks/months, I'm sure you'll see updates on how this amazing little puppy is growing and changing:  www.justsimone.blogspot.com

Last night we got to use one of the gifts we received from my bridal shower - a grill pizza stone.  I've never been a huge fan of frozen pizza.  It's good in a pinch, if you're really hungry and financially constricted.  I am now a reformed believer!  Putting the frozen pizza on the grill is AMAZING!!  It was done in record time and it gave the crust a crisp, delicious flavor like I've never had before.  Thank you, Levi, for the idea a few months ago!
 
Tomorrow I have to do billing for work, so I will be coming in for maybe 2-3 hours. Don't misunderstand, I'm not complaining about having to do a couple of hours of work on a Friday morning and then having the next three days off. How did I ever work 5 full days a week for most of my adult life?!  My plan is to drop Woody off at work at 5 a.m. so that he can get a couple of hours of overtime in this week, do billing, go home, play with the puppies, take a nap, load the car, pick Woody up from work, and hit the road. Then, the weekend really begins because we are headed west for Labor Day weekend!!

2012 has most definitely been a year of change for me.  I changed jobs, I fell in love with and married my best friend, I rediscovered my faith, found a church and was baptized last weekend, and I became a step-mom.  Prior to this year, my visits to western Kansas to visit family were few and far between.  If I went once a year, that was enough; sometimes, sadly I must admit this, it was longer.  My first trip to western Kansas this year was January, this weekend will be my 10th!!  Woody reminded me of the beauty and wonder of our small hometown.  It has become a place that I miss and long to go back to visit.  It's also in our long term plans to return to permanently.  It's amazing what a complete change can happen in a year. . . 

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Not My Idea of a Good Morning. . .

I am a morning person.  My alarm goes off, and, even if I hit snooze, I rarely ever fall back to sleep.  Well, one day last week was the exception.  I hit the snooze button and knew that I would have no trouble falling back into a deep slumber.  The puppies had other ideas.

I have two dogs:  Colby, my black, 7-yr-old miniature poodle, and Bella Brooke, my black, 2-yr-old pomapoo (pomeranian poodle).  Additionally, we are foster parenting an almost 9-wk-old yorkie.  Her name is Charley and she will be united with her new Mommy (my little brother Levi's wonderful girlfriend, Simone) this Friday evening.  Charley is a gift from Levi to Simone.  Conflicting schedules prevented them from picking her up when she was ready, so Woody and I have been watching her for the last three weeks.  Let me tell you, nothing puts a new marriage through early ups and downs like a puppy!

So, back to my original story. . .  As I made the rounds to gather up all three dogs and take them outside, I step out onto the patio, walk Charlie over to the grass, and set her down.  I look back and see Colby playing with a worm on the patio.  Now, normally this thought process I'm about to explain wouldn't be in slow motion, but on this particular morning, I was not working at full steam.  As I look at the worm Colby is playing with, I think "it hasn't rained in forever, why is there a worm on the patio?"  A few more seconds roll by when I think "wow, that's a really big worm!"  Uh, can you say "SNAKE"?!  Well, apparently I can't say it that early in the morning!  It was more like an earth shattering, window breaking, horror movie actress quality scream that probably woke all of my neighbors.  At some point I realize that I have all dogs in the house and am standing inside (to this day I'm not certain how I got there), and I run to find my handsome hubby.  HE'S STILL SLEEPING!! 

Woody did wake up (after I shook him) and did the strong, manly thing:  he walked outside, bonked the snake with the top of an axe, thought it was dead, tried to pick it up, realized it wasn't dead and dropped it.  Snake - 1, Man - 0.  Mr. Snake slithered into a crevice along the patio and is, I'm sure, plotting his next early morning surprise greeting.  I'm also fairly certain this monstrous snake (approx 4-5") must be related to the pit viper, though my husband assures me it was not.

Just in case you are wondering, I do not think growing up in the country automatically makes you less inclined to have a "girlish" reaction to reptiles.  I'm almost positive that if the similar situation had happened when I was younger, the only difference would have been fewer neighbors hearing my screams of terror!


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

First Time for Everything

This is my very first blog post, ever.  So, for those of you who happen to stumble upon it, don't expect too much, too soon. 

First, let me make this very clear.  Any opinions I may share are strictly that, MY OPINION.  I'm exercising that whole "freedom of speech" thing that is very clearly written in the Constitution.  Yes, I understand that the Constitution seems to be more open to interpretation in recent years than, well, ever. . .  So, taking a cue from a few hundred politicians, I'm going to spout about the one that will allow me to justify my current endeavor.  I reserve the right to change my mind and reprimand the next person for jumping on the same horse!

Who am I?  Well, I have always considered myself to be a Christian.  I believe that God loves me so much that he sent his son, Jesus, to die on the cross for my sins (John 3:16, loosely translasted).  However, what I now realize is that believing alone does not make a person a Christian.  You MUST walk the walk.  Enter in my new husband, let's call him "Woody" (sidebar, I LOVE The Pioneer Woman, so I'm politely borrowing the use of a pet name reference for my love from her, with great respect). 

I have known Woody since I was in the 4th grade.  We grew up in a small town in western Kansas.  Now, I bet a few of you are thinking, "how sweet, childhood sweethearts" and I'm here to tell you, NO!  We never dated when we were young.  In fact, it wasn't until almost 25 years after that first playground introduction (a failed long-term relationship, a lot of heart ache, and a resignation to never date again) that we reconnected and I quickly realized that this was the love of my life.  We were married 7.4.12 in a small, beautiful ceremony in Colorado.  I'm sure I'll go more in depth eventually. . .

Anyway, how does Woody play into the reaffirmation of my Christian faith?  We pray together.  A lot!  We pray for each other, for ourselves, for our families, for our friends, and even for our foes.  We have had to make some significant changes in our personal lives, especially when it comes to friends.  It's quite staggering how much negative influence is derived from peer pressure even at my age!  The main culprit I've personally dealt with on what seems like a recurring basis recently:  GOSSIP!  Again, another subject that I'll go more in depth into in the future.

Woody and I recently found a church together that we both feel we were led to discover.  I have not been on the right path to "walk the walk", but together with God and Woody, I am finding my way back to the path.  It's amazing how well illuminated it actually is once He showed me how to remove my blinders!  I have a long road ahead of me, but at least I know where to go for my road map.

Obviously, there are a lot more things I could ramble on and on about; there's time to do that.  I guess I should see how I feel about this after a few posts and not make any rash decisions?  Hmmm. . .  time will tell.  In the meantime, blessings to those that read!