This story begins with the decision a married couple made two months ago following the early miscarriage of an unplanned pregnancy: "We are going to be careful so that until we have healthcare, we don't have another pregnancy."
Last Friday, the fun little blue and white stick that women urinate on when their "monthly visitor" seems to have gotten delayed between stops popped up with a great big positive. WHAT?! Let me just say, for those of you who do not believe in aliens, I feel like I've been invaded. My emotions are all over the map, my energy is gone (which ironically makes the increased number of visits to the bathroom a serious chore), and since I am such a planner and this wasn't planned, I'm having serious anxiety.
Tomorrow our supplemental insurance from my work starts. However, there is a 10 month waiting period for pregnancy coverage AND you can't be pregnant for the 2 months preceding the start of the plan. So, the coverage I would have had for post-partum that would have paid our mortgage, utilities, and insurance - not gonna happen. Additionally, there will be no reimbursement for any of the hospital bills associated with the delivery. We rely on my income to pay those things listed. How do we pay the doctor, the hospital, and save for maternity leave? You receive a huge, and I mean HUGE discount if you pay at the time of service, but if we do that we won't have any money to live on after the baby arrives. Plus, what about all of the cost associated with a baby?
My faith has been completely shaken. I don't understand why God wants to bless us with a baby when a friend of mine wants one so badly, and has the means to provide for one, yet struggles to conceive. I feel so guilty. I should be grateful for this amazing opportunity, but me and my hyper-type-A personality are obsessing over details that may be completely inconsequential. For instance, I was thinking last night "the washer and dryer are over 10 years old, what if they stop working and I can't wash the baby's things?" or "sometimes Woody and I survive on noodles to get through the end of a week before payday, what if we need diapers?".
Does anyone else feel so completely selfish, or am I just a horrible person? Woody is thrilled! He loves the idea of "our baby" and thinks I'll be a great Mom. I think a great Mom wouldn't have so many doubts and wouldn't have taken an arrow to her faith. . .
